My Daughter, My Heart

This picture is from my art journal and made with oil pastels.

Sometimes we underestimate, undervalue and underapprecite the love from our others – partners, sons and daughters, parents, siblings, family and friends. We forget and ignore the other, who is standing next to and supporting us in times of crisis and turmoil. We become so fixated in our own worlds, our problems and our issues, that we forget the other who is also hurting, in despair or in need of love.

My daughter is my other. Until recently, I did not realize the full extent of my health had on my daughter. I did not see the fear in her eyes or the pain in her heart. I was oblivious to it; I was in my own world of sickness, pain and despair.

My most recent health crisis took almost six weeks to recover. I was deathly ill and my immune system could not take the shock of the many foreign invaders. I did not think I would recover. My immune system was nonexistent and I was a doormat for every type of infection.

For over a week, my daughter and I would argue. She was determined not to go to school. The first day I let her stay home, her tummy hurt. The second day I insisted that she went to school, but she did still look sick. By the third day, she was going to school. I yelled, I told her terrible things, I scared her into school. She went to school in tears and I had a heavy heart. That morning, my mother talked to me, she confided in me my daughter’s fears. My daughter was not being lazy but was afraid. My daughter was afraid that I was dying. No one told her this but she was able to see the sickness, the weakness and the unbearable pain. She was afraid to leave. My daughter only wanted to be spend time with me, but I did not see this. I saw a child not wanting to go to school. How insensitive of me, I never thought of how my health was affecting her. I was in my own world and I neglected my daughter. I did not see her or her fears. The tears poured out of me. I had so much guilt. How do I forgive myself? How do I take back my piercing stabbing words?


2 responses to “My Daughter, My Heart

  1. I’m so glad I found you.

    You can’t take the words back, but apologies do so much. I have treated a lot of people so shitty without realizing, and I know that I can’t take back the things I’ve done and said. But without apologizing and telling that person that I recognize it, I continue to make that person think that I’m not looking for criticism…I encourage a one-way flow of abuse rather than a mutual exchange of criticism, critique, and ideas. If the people who were shitty to me as a kid figured out how to apologize, perhaps I could start to actually FORGIVE those people…but as it is now, I just fill with hatred when I think of them.

    Mary Ann

  2. Beauty is but skin deep.

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