Tag Archives: Art Journal

Stay Positive

Stay Positive

Today’s thought and goal for the week, “Stay Positive” and do not give up. Life is a testament. It comes with happiness and sorrow, the good with the bad. In life, it is so easy to let negativity in, to doubt and to give up. I want to remind everyone not to give up, stay positive and continue to fight.

I hope these words will inspire you as it has inspires me. Have a great week.

Files Used
Lettering Delights Beautiful Moments - Expressions Graphics Set

Saying Goodbye

Saying Goodbye

Mirror Images

Oil pastel art journal image. Mirror images, similar but different.

Why is it so hard to say goodbye? I use the word “good bye” or a form like it daily to symbolize an act of leaving or departure. As a child, I said “goodbye” to my childhood, to broken toys or items, mementos and other items no longer needed. I have said “goodbye” to old classmates and friends, to the foolish deeds or stunts I've succumbed to. I said “goodbye” and mourned family members, friends and pets when they each passed away. I have said “goodbye” to old lovers and friends who's friendships where more detrimental than beneficial. Yet, I had a huge task that I was unable or unwilling to say “goodbye”.

I have goated a young male friend of mine that he has not said “goodbye” to his college days, but am I any different? After self evaluation, I realized that I am not different from him. I might not be holding on to those rememberable college years, but I have neatly boxed, labeled and stored away my precious items, and marked “open later”. Yes, literally, I boxed up my apartment including food, furniture, clothing, personal items, knickknacks and mementos and stored it away. I not only packed away my apartment, but essentially I packed my life away. I gave up my apartment with my freedom and received a drawer and some closet space. I though of this “downsizing” as a way to save money, help my mom with the children, but most of all to take care of my health. Instead, I gained new responsibilities, more expenses and my health declined. As my pain increased, depression set in and with this depression I lost the will to do, to react, and to heal.” I was at a complete standstill. I did the motions of the required day to day, but I completely lost myself. I lost my unique character that made me, me. I lost the joy I had to craft and create, my business suffered because crafting was now a chore instead of an outlet. I lost my happiness, I lost the will to take care of my health. I missed my doctor appointments, but eventually I just stop making them. I didn't care.

Do not get me wrong, being closer to my family was great and essentially a type of gift. I was able to grow closer to the kids, bake to bond with them and actually able to see them grow. I could help with homework, cook, do the driving or anything else needed. Last year, I took part of 7th and 8th grade production of Beauty and the Beast, in which I was in charge of the costumes, props and set. It was definitely a wonderful experience that I could not have take part of if I was at my old location. Last summer I was able to take the then 13 y/o to camp and the then 5 y/o to his activities. In the evenings we would swim together and enjoy a meal cooked on the grill. The summer was quite fun, and I had a lot of new memories to be greatful for, but I couldn't say goodbye to what I “lost” and between pain and depression it became harder for me to remember the “good thoughts”.

My solution to my current situation was to be proactive and to stop allowing myself to fall deeper into depression. First, I needed to say goodbye to my old apartment and life. I had to accept that it was over, including the what ifs and the lost time. These were decaying thoughts festering upon me and darkening my mood. These continued thoughts focusing on what was lost did not allow me to grow, but instead kept me in a depressed state. In order to move forward in life, I needed to mourn what I perceived as lost and the unpleasantries that I incurred during the two years and move on. Second step, I needed to remove or cut out the decayed matter. For me, this was mostly living in cramped quarters in which the landlord refused to upkeep. This included black mold in the basement, a broken foundation from Huricane Sandy in which cold air and rain filled the room and so much more. Solution to this, relocation. This change in location improved the livelihood of my now 14y/o and myself. We were finally given an opportunity to breathe, grow and relax. We know longer required to share a room, drawers and closet space. The 14 y/o now has the opportunity to attend an ideal high school and for myself, my very own crafting studio. Yes, you heard right, my very own and very “real” crafting studio, in which I can craft, create and inspire at any hour of the day or night. My final step, I needed to empty my storage. This was an extremely difficult task, but with each day that I returned, my task became easier. I kept all items that I absolutely needed and donated or threw out the rest.

I am so greatful that I was finally able to say “goodby” and move forward. Fearing what I perceived as lost, kept me holding on to something that wasn't there or would ever happen. It was lost and I had to say “goodbye” to it. I had to learn from my mistakes and move forward. By not saying “goodbye”, I remained at a standstill with my life, unable to move forward and unable to live. I needed this closure. It took some time to conquer and complete, but the end result is now a new beginning.

 

 

New Year Reolution

What's Your New Year Resolution?


Happy 2014 everyone. I hope everyone enjoyed their New Year's Eve and 2014 is staring off on a great start, wow 2014. My New Year Resolution is to “remember to post”and update my blog, etsy account and Facebook. I enjoy crafting and allowing my creativity to flow but sometimes I forget to take pictures of the “steps” and most of all the final project. This year I will remember to make use of my awesome camera and share my creations.

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“Eye” Thank You

eye

I thank you for caring and     remembering me.

I thank you for listening when no one else would.

I thank you for your words of strength and encouragement. Words that were sometimes delivered sweet and other times, so sharp that it stung, but bought me back to reality.

I thank you for seeing me, for whom I am and not my disability, my flaws or weaknesses.

I thank you for believing in me, and helping me to pursue my dreams.

I thank you for forgiving me and my harsh words spoken in anger, pain and rage.

I thank you for feeding me when when I had not the strength or heart to care.

Most of all, I thank you for loving me, when I forgot to love myself. For keeping me sane when its easy to spiral into emptiness. For you continuous support and strength.

Be grateful and thankful for all whom has helped you in your life. Love yourself and others, and you will be able to receive the most out of life. Yes, we all have hard days, weeks months or even years, but you will survive and for surviving you can be grateful for achieving a milestone.

Stormy Weather

purplecloudsToday I had one of those moments that I completely broke down. I let it all out. I cried, I sobbed, I screamed. I had bottled up my feelings for so long that I felt hopeless, swamped and overwhelmed. I was hurting, felt completely alone, and isolated from the real world. I did not think anyone could understand the pain and turmoil I was going through and have gone through. Then an unexpected friend called and I was no longer alone. I unloaded and it was nice to be heard, listened to and understood. It was a load off my chest. It gave me clarity and hope.

Why do we keep things bottled up when it only hurts our loved ones and ourselves? It does not benefit anyone to hurt or feel alone. My advice, reach out and let out. Do not keep it bottled up and you are not alone. Ask for help.

Waiting; Longing for Life to Begin

Small Island

From my art journal made out of oil pastel. This represents the person on the island waiting. The island is beautiful but solitary. The ocean is large and vast, it can be scary, but in order to live, you have to leave the comforts of the island. You have to venture into the open, and begin life. You must save yourself.

You sit you wait. You complain, you whine, you bitch and moan, but you wait. Time passes and you still wait. You are alone and unhappy, but you wait. You long for another, you long for love, you long for happiness, but you wait. You long for life to begin.

I too am a victim of waiting. I can list many reasons why I have waited and what I have waited for, but those are unimportant they are merely excuses for not living. I cannot reclaim my lost time or replace it, but I can live today and stop waiting. I am thankful to the doctor who told me to that I was dieing and I needed to make arrangements for my daughter. At that moment, nor am I now, ready to give up or wait for death. I wanted to live, so I stop waiting. I stopped waiting for the pain to disappear. I stopped waiting for that miracle cure. I stopped waiting for the doctors to care. I stopped waiting for the HMO to approve my surgeries, procedures, out of network referrals,  medications. I stopped waiting for tomorrow when I might feel better. I began my life that day and everyday forward, free from the heavy burden and pressure of waiting.

This is for you my dear friend, stop waiting and longing. If you want something in life, you cannot wait for it to come your way. Confront it, go after it, grab it by and by the horns and claim it. You are the master over it. Just stop waiting. Do not let your fears force you into submissive waiting or before you know, your life has passed you by.

My Daughter, My Heart

This picture is from my art journal and made with oil pastels.

Sometimes we underestimate, undervalue and underapprecite the love from our others – partners, sons and daughters, parents, siblings, family and friends. We forget and ignore the other, who is standing next to and supporting us in times of crisis and turmoil. We become so fixated in our own worlds, our problems and our issues, that we forget the other who is also hurting, in despair or in need of love.

My daughter is my other. Until recently, I did not realize the full extent of my health had on my daughter. I did not see the fear in her eyes or the pain in her heart. I was oblivious to it; I was in my own world of sickness, pain and despair.

My most recent health crisis took almost six weeks to recover. I was deathly ill and my immune system could not take the shock of the many foreign invaders. I did not think I would recover. My immune system was nonexistent and I was a doormat for every type of infection.

For over a week, my daughter and I would argue. She was determined not to go to school. The first day I let her stay home, her tummy hurt. The second day I insisted that she went to school, but she did still look sick. By the third day, she was going to school. I yelled, I told her terrible things, I scared her into school. She went to school in tears and I had a heavy heart. That morning, my mother talked to me, she confided in me my daughter’s fears. My daughter was not being lazy but was afraid. My daughter was afraid that I was dying. No one told her this but she was able to see the sickness, the weakness and the unbearable pain. She was afraid to leave. My daughter only wanted to be spend time with me, but I did not see this. I saw a child not wanting to go to school. How insensitive of me, I never thought of how my health was affecting her. I was in my own world and I neglected my daughter. I did not see her or her fears. The tears poured out of me. I had so much guilt. How do I forgive myself? How do I take back my piercing stabbing words?