“Eye” Thank You

I thank you for caring and     remembering me.

I thank you for listening when no one else would.

I thank you for your words of strength and encouragement. Words that were sometimes delivered sweet and other times, so sharp that it stung, but bought me back to reality.

I thank you for seeing me, for whom I am and not my disability, my flaws or weaknesses.

I thank you for believing in me, and helping me to pursue my dreams.

I thank you for forgiving me and my harsh words spoken in anger, pain and rage.

I thank you for feeding me when when I had not the strength or heart to care.

Most of all, I thank you for loving me, when I forgot to love myself. For keeping me sane when its easy to spiral into emptiness. For you continuous support and strength.

Be grateful and thankful for all whom has helped you in your life. Love yourself and others, and you will be able to receive the most out of life. Yes, we all have hard days, weeks months or even years, but you will survive and for surviving you can be grateful for achieving a milestone.

Summer Colors

The Summer was great, probably my best one in years. It was bright and filled with vivid colors. This was my first summer that did not require summer classes so on the good days, we had a lot of fun. I have always like the summer. The summer heat feels great on my body and I don’t feel sick. I feel like I can conquer the world.

My daughter and I had a lot of bonding time this summer, and it was actually not too bad. This gave us time to better understand each other, our moods and tempers. Most of all this summer gave us time to just talk to each and understand how to communicate with each other. Of course there were the disagreements, her not washing the dishes, leaving her clothes on the bed, you know the normal stuff. I’m sure if you asked her a similar question, I am sure she would have an equal list of complaints. A great example of our disagreements, occurred one summer morning when we missed the bus to take my daughter to her summer theater arts camp at the college. I told my 11 y/o to go to the bus stop and I would meet her there. Five minutes later, I see the bus pass, she was crying and I was yelling. When I thought about it, my daughter did follow my directions. I did not give her directions of what if the bus came or what to tell the bus driver. I get angry with her for what I think she should of done, for her acting childish and a host of other things. I forget that she is only 11 y/o and not me when I was younger (something I will talk about in another blog).

I think I need to relocate to a warmer climate, so I can be invincible all year long.

Waiting; Longing for Life to Begin

From my art journal made out of oil pastel. This represents the person on the island waiting. The island is beautiful but solitary. The ocean is large and vast, it can be scary, but in order to live, you have to leave the comforts of the island. You have to venture into the open, and begin life. You must save yourself.

You sit you wait. You complain, you whine, you bitch and moan, but you wait. Time passes and you still wait. You are alone and unhappy, but you wait. You long for another, you long for love, you long for happiness, but you wait. You long for life to begin.

I too am a victim of waiting. I can list many reasons why I have waited and what I have waited for, but those are unimportant they are merely excuses for not living. I cannot reclaim my lost time or replace it, but I can live today and stop waiting. I am thankful to the doctor who told me to that I was dieing and I needed to make arrangements for my daughter. At that moment, nor am I now, ready to give up or wait for death. I wanted to live, so I stop waiting. I stopped waiting for the pain to disappear. I stopped waiting for that miracle cure. I stopped waiting for the doctors to care. I stopped waiting for the HMO to approve my surgeries, procedures, out of network referrals,  medications. I stopped waiting for tomorrow when I might feel better. I began my life that day and everyday forward, free from the heavy burden and pressure of waiting.

This is for you my dear friend, stop waiting and longing. If you want something in life, you cannot wait for it to come your way. Confront it, go after it, grab it by and by the horns and claim it. You are the master over it. Just stop waiting. Do not let your fears force you into submissive waiting or before you know, your life has passed you by.

My Daughter, My Heart

This picture is from my art journal and made with oil pastels.

Sometimes we underestimate, undervalue and underapprecite the love from our others – partners, sons and daughters, parents, siblings, family and friends. We forget and ignore the other, who is standing next to and supporting us in times of crisis and turmoil. We become so fixated in our own worlds, our problems and our issues, that we forget the other who is also hurting, in despair or in need of love.

My daughter is my other. Until recently, I did not realize the full extent of my health had on my daughter. I did not see the fear in her eyes or the pain in her heart. I was oblivious to it; I was in my own world of sickness, pain and despair.

My most recent health crisis took almost six weeks to recover. I was deathly ill and my immune system could not take the shock of the many foreign invaders. I did not think I would recover. My immune system was nonexistent and I was a doormat for every type of infection.

For over a week, my daughter and I would argue. She was determined not to go to school. The first day I let her stay home, her tummy hurt. The second day I insisted that she went to school, but she did still look sick. By the third day, she was going to school. I yelled, I told her terrible things, I scared her into school. She went to school in tears and I had a heavy heart. That morning, my mother talked to me, she confided in me my daughter’s fears. My daughter was not being lazy but was afraid. My daughter was afraid that I was dying. No one told her this but she was able to see the sickness, the weakness and the unbearable pain. She was afraid to leave. My daughter only wanted to be spend time with me, but I did not see this. I saw a child not wanting to go to school. How insensitive of me, I never thought of how my health was affecting her. I was in my own world and I neglected my daughter. I did not see her or her fears. The tears poured out of me. I had so much guilt. How do I forgive myself? How do I take back my piercing stabbing words?